DSI Witness News » Aaron Keck

Robert Bapst Themed Headlines

DSI Witness News — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:17:59 +0000

AARON: It’s the final edition of DSI Witness News: Robert Bapst Tribute Week. I’m Aaron Keck.

MOLLY: I’m Molly Buckley.

ZACH: I’m Zach Ward. And with us once again is our soon-to-be-departed writer, Robert Bapst.

ROBERT: Hey everybody.

ZACH: It’s been a fun and bittersweet week here at DSI Witness News, but the time has come to send Robert off for real.

MOLLY: And we thought, what better way to do it than by having Ron Stutts sing his own karaoke version of Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye?

AARON: But unfortunately, Ron wouldn’t go for it. So we’re doing headline jokes instead.

ZACH: So without further ado—

ROBERT: Here are your Robert Bapst-themed top headlines.

Steel Cut Hot Dogs

DSI Witness News — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 15:37:50 +0000

It’s July, and that means it’s time to celebrate National Hot Dog Month, that special time of year when folks all over America step outside to cook up some hot dogs and enjoy those warm summer nights. And joining us again today with a message for National Hot Dog Month, is Mister Steel Cut himself, Wilford Brimley.

Robert Bapst Tribute Week

DSI Witness News — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 13:57:17 +0000

It’s the first day of Robert Bapst tribute week – a week where every piece is dedicated to Robert Bapst.

Aurora Joplin: Quidditch Player Extraordinaire

DSI Witness News — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 15:15:15 +0000

Harry Potter-mania is sweeping the nation yet again, and Chapel Hill is not immune: as WCHL reported last weekend, a group of UNC students have started their own Quidditch team. For those of you who don’t know, Quidditch is a soccer-style game played on flying broomsticks–and given that fact, we were not surprised to learn that one of our own commentators is a founding member of the UNC Quidditch Club. And so, joining us again today, is local Quidditch sensation–and Carrboronian extraordinaire–Ms. Aurora Joplin.

Painted Chair Animal Rescue

DSI Witness News — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 15:40:55 +0000

The Independent Animal Rescue will hold its eighth annual Painted Chair and More Auction later this month. With us to talk about the specifics of the event is Independent Animal Rescue High School Intern Myron Maclaine.

The Fuuuuture of Chapel Hill

DSI Witness News — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 13:39:54 +0000

World Cup season has come to an end, and in case you were wondering: we didn’t win. But the big winner at this year’s World Cup wasn’t a team at all—but an octopus. Yes, Paul the Octopus, the world-famous tentacled seer who successfully called the outcome of every single World Cup game. And we thought, hey, since he’s so great at predicting soccer matches, why not ask him to predict the fuuuture of Chapel Hill!

The Response Letter

DSI Witness News — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 22:03:44 +0000

Last week, the mayor of Morganton, Mel Cohen, wrote a letter to the Chapel Hill News blasting the Town Council for neglecting downtown, lamenting the closure of the Chapel Hill Museum—among other things—and generally complaining that Chapel Hill is in serious decline. Mayor Mark Kleinschmidt responded with a letter of his own defending Chapel Hill, but we here at DSI Witness News have managed to obtain the original first draft of Mayor Kleinschmidt’s letter, and we’d like to read it for you now.

We’re gonna see Joe Biden!

DSI Witness News — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 14:51:19 +0000

We bring you the headlines. Oh, yeah, we brought them.

Old Man Healy

DSI Witness News — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 14:50:15 +0000

Elizabeth Edwards has placed her Chapel Hill home on the market, in hopes that she can sell the house and move on with her life. Here with a comment, is next-door neighbor, Old Man Healy.

The Pork Council Regulators

DSI Witness News — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 13:10:51 +0000

A bill aimed at combating puppy mills by regulating commercial dog breeders in North Carolina failed last week for the second straight year, in part due to a surprising adversary: The N.C. Pork Council. Here with a comment is N.C. Pork Council spokesperson, Gordana Swino. Welcome.

Erskine Bowles Sings

DSI Witness News — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 16:07:40 +0000

Local author Jeffrey Deaver has been tapped to write the next James Bond novel, and we here at DSI Witness News couldn’t be more excited. In fact, we were hoping to have Jeffrey Deaver here today to read some of the book for us, but a series of unfortunate circumstances forced him to cancel at the last minute. So, instead, please enjoy three minutes of Erskine Bowles singing The Battle Hymn of the Republic. Take it away.

Name Redacted

DSI Witness News — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 16:05:34 +0000

No, we’ve NEVER been censored. Ever.

Sally Thomas – Events Correspondent

DSI Witness News — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 20:10:43 +0000

Summertime is officially upon us, and I’m sure many of you, like me, are thinking, Gee, I’d love to get outside and really take in some more of this ridiculous 95-degree weather. But where can I go? What can I do? Well, we here at DSI Witness News have got you covered. And so, joining us again today with a rundown of the area’s big summer events, here is our new Summer Events Correspondent— and, Raleigh real estate agent—Sally Thomas.

DSI Witness News – 06-30-2010

DSI Witness News — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 14:48:26 +0000

A brain for John Edwards, young football players, TASTY CHAW!, and Miss Raleigh is a Soul Man.

John Henson Speaks

DSI Witness News — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 13:53:25 +0000

UNC men’s basketball head coach Roy Williams told reporters last week that lanky sophomore forward John Henson has gained a lot of much needed weight since the beginning of his freshman year. Here to comment is UNC’s own, John Henson.

Chamber for Hire on DSI Witness News

DSI Witness News — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 14:12:34 +0000

Filling in for your regular anchors, I’m Chapel Hill Chamber of Commerce President Aaron Nelson. As you may know, I’m spending the summer visiting select businesses and learning to do their jobs as part of our Chamber For Hire program, and today I’m taking over as DSI’s on-air personality. This should be easy as pie. All right, Ron Stutts, here are your top headlines.

Knobby Bigfoot Sightings

DSI Witness News — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 16:42:46 +0000

Filling in for Aaron Keck, Kit FitzSimons, Molly Buckley and Zach Ward, I’m Fiona Stewart-Taylor. Last week, a man named Tim Peeler reported a close encounter with KNOBBY, the legendary 10 foot tall, blond hairy big-foot that’s stalks the Carolina wilderness. And ever since then, um, our DSI Witness News team has been–well, mysteriously disappearing. So today we’re opening up the phones for ANYONE who might have news of their whereabouts. –All right, we’ve got a call. DSI Witness News, you’re on the air.

Sariah the Community Snake

DSI Witness News — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 13:44:40 +0000

Last week, a Chapel Hill postal worker found the skin of a 4 foot boa constrictor while out on his mail route, and now, Orange County Animal Services are on the lookout for the missing serpent. Well, we here at DSI Witness News–oh yeah. We found it. And so, here with us today is, the Chapel Hill-Carrboro 4-foot boa constrictor… Welcome.

World Cup Wednesday!

DSI Witness News — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 21:00:42 +0000

World Cup Themed Headlines. Excuse the sound of the vuvuzela.

Wait, you’re…

DSI Witness News — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 18:24:07 +0000

North Carolina voters are heading to the polls today to determine whether Elaine Marshall or Cal Cunningham will be the Democratic nominee for U.S. Senate. Marshall held a commanding lead earlier this year, but the young, charismatic Cunningham has tied the race with a surprisingly effective insurgent campaign. He joins us today. Mr. Cunningham, welcome.

Note: This piece is based on fictitious accounts and has no basis in reality. DSI Witness News neither endorses or opposes any political candidates. We love everyone.

Shag for Hog Day?

DSI Witness News — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 14:31:56 +0000

Bad news for Hillsborough Pigs?, Police side businesses, Freudian Father’s Day, battle of the field trip locations, Puritan vs. Ruritan SHAGGING!

Woody Biomass Does It Again

DSI Witness News — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 13:44:54 +0000

Last week, UNC officials elected to pay a 15,000-dollar fine for violations at a Bingham Township facility that led to the contamination of nearby Collins Creek. The embarrassing incident is forcing the UNC to redouble its efforts to build an eco-friendly image. And so, joining us again today is UNC spokesman, and your friendly neighborhood eco-buddy, Woody Biomass!

Boycotting Currituck County

DSI Witness News — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 13:38:58 +0000

Kicking the habit with heroin, a massive crime spree in Greensboro, a college education in the south, Governor Bob McDonnell takes a TOLL on highways, boycotting Currituck County, solar farm and get your own recycling bin.

Cool to be Carrboro Alderman

DSI Witness News — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 16:00:25 +0000

Memorial Day is over and June has begun, and that means it’s every kid’s favorite season—summertime! That’s right—summer camps, soccer leagues, family vacations, and three months of no school! We here at DSI Witness News are pretty thrilled ourselves, but even we can’t match the excitement of a regular kid! And so, joining us again today to talk about HIS summer plans is a very special young commentator—junior detective, sledder extraordinaire, and, Carrboro Alderman—Sammy Slade.

Kit Crosses I-40

DSI Witness News — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 17:50:59 +0000

Raleigh native Jonathan Trappe fulfilled a lifelong dream last week by crossing the English Channel while dangling from a cluster of helium balloons. Well, any stunt Raleigh can do, we here in Chapel Hill-Carrboro can do better. And so, joining us from somewhere along the Chapel Hill-Durham border, is Kit FitzSimons, who is about to attempt to cross I-40 while dangling from as many helium balloons as we could find.

Memorial Day Hippie Dippies

DSI Witness News — Mon, 31 May 2010 17:21:56 +0000

Free hot dogs on Memorial Day, Hippie Dippie Carrboro, Satisfied in relationships?, and Walkable Hillsborough Day.

The Copper Caper

DSI Witness News — Fri, 28 May 2010 13:42:24 +0000

Last week, someone broke into the BB&T building on Elliott Road and stole a large amount of copper drain piping. The theft seems unusual, but police are warning businesses to be cautious. Joining us to say more, from the Orange County Sheriff’s office, Captain Chris Clifford.

Bring a Grenade!

DSI Witness News — Tue, 25 May 2010 21:26:40 +0000

A grenade in a goodwill store, Judge Buckner sent to time out, Bud Light Beer isn’t the only thing sold in Bud Light Stadium, my drunk Uncle and the oil spill, the Hunchback of NC State, and Glenn Beck ruined my day.

Dalai Ron Stutts!

DSI Witness News — Mon, 24 May 2010 21:47:18 +0000

With the Carrboro Board of Alderman affirming the right to abortion for town employees and UNC researching testing a procedure that zaps men with ultrasound waves to prevent pregnancy, Orange County’s already low birth rate may go even lower. Marcia Spector with the Chapel Hill Generation Foundation joins DSI Witness News to explain the danger. Aaron Keck, Molly Buckley.

One Hot Nuclear Shower

DSI Witness News — Fri, 21 May 2010 19:38:06 +0000

Last Saturday, for the first time in seven years, health officials distributed free thyroid cancer prevention pills to residents living near the Shearon Harris nuclear facility. Entire suburbs have arisen in the area since the first round of pills went out—leading many to wonder why people are so willing to move near a nuclear power plant. With us today to answer that question is Raleigh real estate broker, Sally Thomas.