DSI Witness News

Aurora Runs for Town Clerk

DSI Witness News — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 14:05:42 +0000

This Tuesday, our head writer Aaron Keck begins a new job as a news writer for 1360 WCHL, which means he will no longer be appearing here on DSI Witness News, either as an anchor or as a real-life character—though you may hear him from time to time as a fictional character, should the situation arise. In a totally unrelated story, the Carrboro Board of Aldermen is interviewing candidates to replace outgoing town clerk Sarah Williamson, who’s stepping down after 37 years. Joining us today is one of the leading candidates: self-proclaimed Clerk Of The Future, and Carrboro citizen extraordinaire, Ms. Aurora Joplin.

Mark Kleinschmidt Preserves Town History

DSI Witness News — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 14:35:46 +0000

In a totally unrelated story, Chapel Hill mayor Mark Kleinschmidt met with officials from the now-defunct Chapel Hill Museum earlier this month to discuss ways to preserve the town’s history. He joins us today.

Maximillien de Reobespierre on the NCAA Investigation

DSI Witness News — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:01:31 +0000

The NCAA controversy surrounding UNC football continues to rage, with calls for the heads of athletic director Dick Baddour and head coach Butch Davis. And at least one man is taking this call… very seriously. Joining us today in the studio, a man with more than a little experience with heads—French Revolutionary dictator, Maximillien de Robespierre.

Sammy Slade Picks a Bank

DSI Witness News — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 21:47:06 +0000

In a totally unrelated story, the Carrboro Board of Aldermen remains deadlocked this week as the members try to decide which bank they’re going to use to handle the town treasury. Joining us to explain this issue further is Carrboro Alderman Sammy Slade.

Mark Chilton Wins an Emmy

DSI Witness News — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 13:41:56 +0000

Fiona is leaving for college, Aaron is now working at WCHL, Mark Chilton wins an Emmy, underage drinking citations on the rise, an incompetent SBI, Southern Season, PETA in Massachusetts, and New Hope Elementary School has crying arteries.

UNC President Tom Ross

DSI Witness News — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 19:14:24 +0000

MOLLY: Beginning next month, Aaron will be working as a news writer here at 1360 WCHL. Which means he can no longer appear on DSI Witness News as an anchor OR play the voice of a real-life person, like Sammy Slade, or Mark Kleinschmidt, or everybody’s favorite, Erskine Bowles, the Flying Fist of Justice.

AARON: Sad but true.

MOLLY: In a completely unrelated story, yesterday, the UNC Board of Governors elected Davidson College President Tom Ross to replace Erskine Bowles as UNC system president.

AARON: And so, joining us in the studio today, is our newly elected UNC president, and all-new DSI Witness News character, the honorable Tom Ross.

Dorm Supply Drive

DSI Witness News — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 13:37:20 +0000

It’s back to school week here in Chapel Hill, and the American Red Cross is marking the occasion with a three-day on-campus blood drive, yesterday, today and tomorrow at UNC. Here to say more is Red Cross spokesperson, Kenny Chambers.

Tattoo Taylor

DSI Witness News — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 17:07:01 +0000

For those of you who’ve been following us this week, we were not first in line this morning at the new Krispy Kreme. And speaking of things we’re not getting for free, the owner of Open Eye Cafe in Carrboro has announced that he will no longer be giving free coffee to customers who get the Open Eye logo tattooed on their bodies. However, we have found one man who says you CAN get free swag from OTHER businesses in the area with just a few select tattoos. Joining us today in the studio, Carrboro hipster, August Taylor.

Molly Still Waits for Krispy Kreme

DSI Witness News — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 12:50:20 +0000

Molly went to grab food, and Kit lost their place in the Krispy Kreme line. Find out what happens…

Molly Waits in Line for Krispy Kreme

DSI Witness News — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 15:19:11 +0000

Molly Buckley is waiting in line for a year of free Krispy Kreme. Meanwhile, the headlines are Deon Thompson is My Big Fat Greek Point Guard, Socks = Buffalo Wings, Tennessee is scared of UNC, Never Mocking a School Shooting, Whooping Cough is a serious threat.

Confection Zones of Adventure!

DSI Witness News — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 13:38:17 +0000

This evening, the Chapel Hill Preservation Society will be hosting the second annual Horace Williams Cupcake Festival, named after a nineteenth-century UNC philosophy professor. We don’t know why either. But before that, as always one step ahead, is our own festival, fair, and free-for-all coordinator, Gino Fontanelli.

Sarah Palin’s Foremothers

DSI Witness News — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 18:40:38 +0000

Sarah Palin drops in the studio to talk about THE FOREFATHERS: All American Sketch comedy with Aaron Keck.

Fionaaaaa!

DSI Witness News — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 17:17:03 +0000

Hillsborough Police Department’s Accreditation, $250 Rewards for the missing statue, “I HEART KIT FITZSIMONS TATTOOS”, Selling alcohol to minors, First rule of Farmer’s Market, Santa or a Pimp?, and the reason for laughing in a courtroom.

Information Super HIGHWAY.

DSI Witness News — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 14:12:03 +0000

New projects to widen parts of Triangle interstates, U.S. highways and the Beltline in Raleigh have been added to a 10-year work plan released Wednesday by the state Department of Transportation. The statewide work plan is based on Gov. Bev Perdue’s promise for North Carolina to be “open, transparent and data-driven in our transportation planning.” Here to talk with us is Department of Transportation Spokesman, Mack Freedman.

Back to School Week!

DSI Witness News — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 14:17:45 +0000

UNC School of Education turns 125, UNC Student Themed Housing, Marvin Austin looks like a bank robber, Carolina Blue socials, Extra-Kick back tutoring money, Abandoned Land = Carolina North?, Visits to the DOG house, and Jose Cuervo alleviates pain?

Calling All Writers!

DSI Witness News — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 14:35:56 +0000

Molly Buckley, Kit FitzSimons, and Aaron Keck are CALLING ALL WRITERS!

A 5% Hula-Hooping Tax

DSI Witness News — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 13:48:50 +0000

Kit FitzSimons and Molly Buckley bring you the headlines.

John Henson and the Freshman 15

DSI Witness News — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 18:10:00 +0000

With back-to-school time just around the corner, UNC officials are saying the so-called “freshman 15” is just a myth. Contrary to popular belief, there’s no real evidence that students gain 15 pounds in their first year of college. But the issue still hits home for at least one Tar Heel, who’s urging everyone to take it very seriously. So, here with us ONCE AGAIN in the studio is UNC basketball star, John Henson.

Heh. heh. Heh.

DSI Witness News — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 14:57:56 +0000

Molly Buckley, Aaron Keck, and Kit FitzSimons bring you today’s top headlines.

Aurora the Pie Judge

DSI Witness News — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 15:13:32 +0000

This past weekend, local residents showed off their baking skills at the South Estes Farmer’s Market as they held their first-ever Pie Cook-Off. Three judges were on hand to decide the winner, but a fourth judge showed up at the last minute to serve as the, quote, “deciding factor, man.” Here with us today to share her experiences is self-proclaimed pie connoisseur and Carrboro citizen extraordinaire, Ms. Aurora Joplin.

Molly and Aaron Confess Their Sins

DSI Witness News — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 15:24:10 +0000

Molly and Aaron are confessing their sins to the Reverend Ron Stutts.

Marry Me, Ron Stutts – The Alternatives

DSI Witness News — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 17:36:29 +0000

AARON: It’s another edition of DSI Witness News. I’m Aaron Keck.

MOLLY: I’m Molly Buckley. Last Sunday at Top of the Hill, Ryan and Celeste Evans were married as part of WCHL’s Marry Me Ron Stutts contest, a 30,000-dollar wedding ceremony that included over a dozen area businesses and took nearly a year to plan.

AARON: And the DSI Witness News writing staff was thrilled and honored to have been able to participate.

MOLLY: Or at least we would have been.

AARON: If we’d been invited.

MOLLY: But we weren’t.

AARON: No hard feelings, though.

MOLLY: No, none at all.

AARON: But you may be wondering out there: what’s next? What could WCHL possibly do to top a massive event like THAT?

MOLLY: Well, we’ve managed to obtain an internal document here at the WCHL office with a list of some of the alternative promotions that WCHL has considered, to follow up on the success—

AARON: —of Marry Me Ron Stutts.

UNC Hackers Hackhouse

DSI Witness News — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 14:18:30 +0000

A recent performance audit from the state suggests UNC needs to beef up its information security.Conrad says UNC Information Technology Services is working to implement a series of new policies aimed at protecting passwords, health information and other sensitive data. But not everyone agrees. Here to tell us his theory on how to catch the hackers is UNC professor of Information Technologies, Dr. Thomas Halloway.

A Deliberate Oil Spill

DSI Witness News — Tue, 03 Aug 2010 14:47:54 +0000

Molly Buckley and Aaron Keck read today’s headlines.

What do YOU want in a Superintendent?

DSI Witness News — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 17:22:56 +0000

Chapel Hill-Carrboro school superintendent Neil Pedersen will be retiring at the end of this school year, and the search is already on for his replacement. We here at DSI Witness News thought we’d help out by asking what YOU want in your next superintendent—and so, we go live to Kit FitzSimons on the street in downtown Chapel Hill. Kit, what’s going on?

Andy Savage: NCAA Investigation

DSI Witness News — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 17:20:59 +0000

UNC’s football team has been at the center of a NCAA investigation this past week, as officials have tried to determine if any rules have been broken by agents giving inappropriate giftsto select members of the team. This investigation could have a huge impact on future UNC sports players. With us to comment is UNC hopeful, Chapel Hill High School sophomore, and possible illegitimate son of a famous sports star himself, Andy Savage.

Mobile Poultry Slaughterhouse Slaughterhouse

DSI Witness News — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 17:17:20 +0000

For the last year, Lee Menius of China Grove has been operating a MOBILE POULTRY SLAUGHTERHOUSE for farmers on a trailer he pulls behind his pickup truck. Unfortunately, notoriety comes with a price, and Menius has attracted some unwanted attention for his ingenuity. Joining us to talk about his anti-slaughterhouse protest movement, is the president of the Carrboro Militant Vegan Society–uh, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Is that your real name?

SunTrusts of ADVENTURE!

DSI Witness News — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 15:45:34 +0000

Durham City officials are considering chipping in more business incentives to help Greenfire Development convert downtown Durham’s historic SunTrust tower into a 165-room boutique hotel. With us today to discuss the proposal is DSI Witness News’ own construction expert, Gino Fontinelli.

What’s an Uptick?

DSI Witness News — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 13:50:25 +0000

Kit FitzSimons and Molly Buckley bring you today’s top headlines.

Molly would like to apologize for her inability to speak the English language.

Robert Bapst Themed Headlines

DSI Witness News — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 14:17:59 +0000

AARON: It’s the final edition of DSI Witness News: Robert Bapst Tribute Week. I’m Aaron Keck.

MOLLY: I’m Molly Buckley.

ZACH: I’m Zach Ward. And with us once again is our soon-to-be-departed writer, Robert Bapst.

ROBERT: Hey everybody.

ZACH: It’s been a fun and bittersweet week here at DSI Witness News, but the time has come to send Robert off for real.

MOLLY: And we thought, what better way to do it than by having Ron Stutts sing his own karaoke version of Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye?

AARON: But unfortunately, Ron wouldn’t go for it. So we’re doing headline jokes instead.

ZACH: So without further ado—

ROBERT: Here are your Robert Bapst-themed top headlines.