I don’t know much
But I know I’ll crack you
But not for free
Because I am a pro…

Look at you girl
You know you’re my prin’ciss
Come on in
I’ll fix your scoliosis

That Dr. Wanda
I love to watch her
As she fixes
Fixes up your posture

I don’t know much
But I know I’ll crack you
I have a soft touch
When I crack you
It don’t cost much
to have me crack you
But not for free
Because I am a pro…

This week marks the dawn of another new year,
And so, as you know, we’ll all be forced to hear
Those annual tributes—you know what I mean,
On every network and newsmagazine,
That age-old tradition each new January,
For each new addition to the celebrity cemetery.
Fond remembrances for the recently dead,
From a Jackson named Michael to a Kennedy named Ted.
And that’s all very well and good.
It’s a nice thing to do. We totally should.
But still, it’s depressing and maudlin, you know,
And DSI Witness News is a comedy show!
So with your permission, I think it’s time
To pay tribute to those who DIDN’T die in ’09.

New Mayor Mark Kleinschmidt—he’s still kicking,
Matt Czajkowski got beat, but kept right on ticking.
And who could forget our own Kevin Foy,
Who rang in 20-10 with a ball coach named Roy?
And speaking of Roy, his fabulous five
Won a title in April—and they’re all still alive.
Penny Rich made it into the new year as well,
Along with Gene Pease, Jon Dehart, Donna Bell,
While over in Carrboro, with lives like a cat,
Is Mayor Mark Chilton—and his kickass hat.
Bill Strom’s in Manhattan, still standing tall,
Even though his heart is two sizes too small.
Elizabeth Edwards wouldn’t go down—
Heck, even her husband is somewhere around—
And Kevin Wolff didn’t die in ’09, I hear,
Though I can’t say the same for his political career.
And let’s not forget the inanimate stuff:
The Carolina North project’s still hanging tough,
The Varsity Theater’s back on the grid,
The public option didn’t make it, but Guantanamo did.

And then there’s the folks who make us laugh:
Yes, every single member of the DSI staff.
Like Kit FitzSimons, who still isn’t stoppin’,
Or the great Molly Buckley—AKA Aurora Joplin.
Or Tara Regan, refusin’ to go prematurely,
Just like Brian Barnes, and our own Amanda Scherle.
Or Andrew Park, who won’t shuffle off,
And even Paul Deblinger. Still alive! Mazel tov!
Robert Bapst and Katie Barber are all right in the head,
And of course, Zach Ward: I’m glad you’re not dead.
And I can’t not mention the guy with the guts
To put up with us all year—my main man, Ron Stutts.
He’s still going strong. So am I! So are you!
And isn’t that worth a poem or two?
So keep living, keep singing, keep breathing, my friends—
And come next January, we’ll do this again.

Year 2000, Y2K, Dot-Coms and Escalades,
PEAnuts coming to an end-Puff DADdy and J. Lo,
Britney Spears’ and Eminem, AOL and AIM.
Human Genome, Janet Reno, Elian go home

Internet, e-mail, N’Sync’s record breaking sales.
Dial-up’s out, Friends are in, Florida is for the win.
Ulrich versus Napster. What’s a hanging Chad, sir?
Albright, Clinton, and Al Gore, they all have to say goodbye

We didn’t vote for W
No we didn’t decide it
And Gore tried to fight it
We didn’t vote for W
But I don’t think we count
Since they stopped the recount

HAL-lo 2001, welcome real millennium,
Ravens win the Super Bowl, and Kelly Clarkson owns
Ten Commandments Roy Moore, earthquake in El Salvador
Johnny Depp and Harry Potter and the Sorc’rer’s Stone

9-1-1, Afghanistan-Bin Ladin and the Taliban.
Search for W-M-Ds, Bennifer, Lord of the Rings
Holland says they’ll marry gays, we see the world’s longest train
Bomb Iraq! Patr’ot Act! You’ve got mail but it’s Anthrax!

Someone still voted for W
It was disconcerting
But the world was hurting
Someone still voted for W
No we won’t deny it
But we tried to fight it

Clay Aiken’s Brokeback, Justin’s bringing Sexy Back.
The Person of the Year is YOU, so SAYS Time Magazine
Face-book-wi-ki-pedia-John Edwards he got kinkier.
Britney bares all, shaves her head, and’s gen’rally obscene

Heath Ledger and the Pope die. Which one made more people cry?
One Campaign, Saddam Hussein (that’s Obama’s middle name).
Hope, Change, Not McCains-this country needs to rearrange.
Sarah Palin, Tina Fey, North Carolina: Blue State!

Yes, we voTED for THAT guy
Well we’ve made some progress
White House and the Congress
We-ee voTED for THAT guy
If he screws up, mostly
We’ll just blame Pelosi

Barack Obam’s Inauguration, history is in the making.
Should we just forget the horrors of Guantanamo?
Swine Flu, Air France, Where In The World Did Matt Dance?
Large Hadron Collider never made a black hole

The US EcoNOmy tanks, thanks to all those Zombie Banks
Switzerland arrests Polanski, Kevin Wolff hates Matt Czachowski
Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, Brittany Murphy, Patrick Swayz!
Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, We’re still in Afghanistan.

WE didn’t LIKE this decade
It was KINda crappy
And not VERy happy
CAN’T we ALL just get neck-ade?
Drink us SOME Bacardi
And go OUT and party!

If you want this choice position
You will have to meet the following condition:
Never have a scandal or dress in disarray,
And always do whatever we say.

You must be moral to the letter,
Diversity is good, but monogamy is better,
Take our kids on field trips, take them to the Fair—
Please, just keep them out of our hair!

Never be cruel—unless
You have to make the kid who’s bullying my son confess!
Never get drunk on liquor,
And never post naked pics on Flickr…

Our standardized test scores must get higher,
Or your sweet patootie we will fire!
We’ve got potential we want to fulfill—
So we can look down on those jerks in Chapel Hill—
Applicants, hurry!
Don’t be fools—
Sincerely, Durham Public Schools!

KIT: I’ll say we are!

BRYAN: Yeah!

AARON: Let’s sing it now!

MOLLY: Okay, Bryan Barnes?

BRYAN: Okay!

MOLLY: Okay, Kit Fitz – Simon?

KIT: It’s FitzSimons.!

MOLLY: Okay, Aaron? Aaron? AARON!

AARON: OKAY!!!

BRYAN, KIT, AARON:
Christmas, Christmas time is near
Time for Foy to disappear
We’ll mock the news, we’ll do it live
8:20 and 5:55
We’ll twist headlines, we’ll spit the troof

AARON: We’ll still make fun of Kevin WOOlff!

BRYAN, KIT, AARON:
We’ll trash talk those who’re dumb and mean
And Homegrown Halloween.

MOLLY: Okay fellas get ready. Very good Bryan Barnes.

BRYAN: Awwww.

MOLLY: That was very good, Kit Fitz – Simon.

KIT: I work with you daily; it’s pronounced FitzSIMONS

MOLLY: Ah, Aaron, you forced that rhyme a little, watch it. Aaron? Aaron? AARON!

AARON: OKAY.

BRYAN, KIT, AARON:
We’ll mock the news, all off the cuff

AARON: And we’ll get sued by Kevin Wuhlff

BRYAN, KIT, AARON:
He’s almost, like, half of the show
The other’s Pittsboro.

MOLLY: Very good, boys

AARON: Lets sing it again!

KIT: Yeah, this time with Ron doing contrabass!

MOLLY: No, That’s enough, lets not overdo it

BRYAN: What do you mean overdo it?

AARON: Since when does DSI Witness News NOT overdo it?

MOLLY: Now wait a minute, boys

BRYAN: Why CAN’T we sing it again?

BRYAN, KIT, AARON: [overlapping chipmunk chatter]

MOLLY: Aaron, cut that out..Bryan Barnes, just a minute. Kit Fitz – Simon will you cut that out?

KIT: It’s FitzSimons!

MOLLY: Boys…!

I’m a mean one, I’m Bill Strom
I hear you filled my seat!
My replacement, listen carefully,
’cause you’re in for a treat
Being Strom!

You get to be the one
who convinces the Council to install
A toll booth on Franklin Street!

You’ll need practice being Strom
My work was full of worth
I unbalanced UNC by-proposing Carolina North!
I’m Bill Strom!

The sheer amount of bicycle traffic required between the two campuses will cause enough friction to power my lunar death ray by 2012. Spoiler alert…-th!

You’re all slacking at being Strom.
You need to get to work.
You need TO retire from the Council
and move to New York
to be Strom.

You can’t just be evil; that’s not enough…
You need to be a jeeeerk!

And by April, as a Strom
If you follow these Rules
You’ll be dictator of Chapel Hill
I’ve given you the tools
To be Strom!

And remember when crushing insignificant insects like Penny Rich and Mark Kleinschmidt, say as follows, and I quote:
…”Fools! Fools! Fools!”
Bum.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=331538000653

< "Deck the Halls">
CHAPEL HILL’S IN LOVE WITH CHRISTMAS, FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA!
FRANKLIN STREET IS FULL OF BUSINESS, FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA!
AND THAT’S NOT THE ONLY REASON—FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA—
BASKETBALL IS BACK IN SEASON, FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LAA la la la…

< "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmastime">
THE SOD IS OUT, THE LAWN IS GONE–
SIMPLY HAVING A CARRBORO CHRISTMASTIME!

OH–

< "Santa Claus is Coming to Town">
YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I’M TELLING NO LIE,
HE’S RUNNING AGAIN, NOBODY KNOWS WHY—
KEVIN WOLFF IS COMING TO TOWN!
HE SOLEMNLY SWORE TO CLEAN UP THE STATE,
THE ONLY MORAL CANDIDATE,
KEVIN WOLFF IS COMING TO TOWN!
HE RAN ANOTHER PUSH POLL,
THIS TIME IT’S ANTI-GAY,
ELECTION SEASON’S OVER,
BUT HE STILL WON’T GO AWAY, way, way, way…

< "Jingle Bells">
WE FINISHED OUR EXAMS,
WE’RE DREAMING OF OUR HOME,
WE’RE WATCHING UNC
WINNING AT THE DOME!
DANCING THROUGH THE NIGHT,
DRESSED IN OUR BEST ATTIRE,
OH WHAT FUN IT IS TO LIGHT
FRANKLIN STREET ON FIRE!
OH, UNC! UNC!
TARHEELS ALL THE WAY!
OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO BE
IN BLUE ON CHRISTMAS DAY-AYY!