DSI Witness News

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1. DSI Witness News says:

   January 4, 2010 at 12:01 pm

   Aaron’s Ode to 2009 Celebreties

   This week marks the dawn of another new year,
   And so, as you know, we’ll all be forced to hear
   Those annual tributes—you know what I mean,
   On every network and newsmagazine,
   That age-old tradition each new January,
   For each new addition to the celebrity cemetery.
   Fond remembrances for the recently dead,
   From a Jackson named Michael to a Kennedy named Ted.
   And that’s all very well and good.
   It’s a nice thing to do. We totally should.
   But still, it’s depressing and maudlin, you know,
   And DSI Witness News is a comedy show!
   So with your permission, I think it’s time
   To pay tribute to those who DIDN’T die in ’09.

   New Mayor Mark Kleinschmidt—he’s still kicking,
   Matt Czajkowski got beat, but kept right on ticking.
   And who could forget our own Kevin Foy,
   Who rang in 20-10 with a ball coach named Roy?
   And speaking of Roy, his fabulous five
   Won a title in April—and they’re all still alive.
   Penny Rich made it into the new year as well,
   Along with Gene Pease, Jon Dehart, Donna Bell,
   While over in Carrboro, with lives like a cat,
   Is Mayor Mark Chilton—and his kickass hat.
   Bill Strom’s in Manhattan, still standing tall,
   Even though his heart is two sizes too small.
   Elizabeth Edwards wouldn’t go down—
   Heck, even her husband is somewhere around—
   And Kevin Wolff didn’t die in ’09, I hear,
   Though I can’t say the same for his political career.
   And let’s not forget the inanimate stuff:
   The Carolina North project’s still hanging tough,
   The Varsity Theater’s back on the grid,
   The public option didn’t make it, but Guantanamo did.

   And then there’s the folks who make us laugh:
   Yes, every single member of the DSI staff.
   Like Kit FitzSimons, who still isn’t stoppin’,
   Or the great Molly Buckley—AKA Aurora Joplin.
   Or Tara Regan, refusin’ to go prematurely,
   Just like Brian Barnes, and our own Amanda Scherle.
   Or Andrew Park, who won’t shuffle off,
   And even Paul Deblinger. Still alive! Mazel tov!
   Robert Bapst and Katie Barber are all right in the head,
   And of course, Zach Ward: I’m glad you’re not dead.
   And I can’t not mention the guy with the guts
   To put up with us all year—my main man, Ron Stutts.
   He’s still going strong. So am I! So are you!
   And isn’t that worth a poem or two?
   So keep living, keep singing, keep breathing, my friends—
   And come next January, we’ll do this again.
2. Molly says:

   January 4, 2010 at 12:18 pm

   This poem is AWESOME. Well done, Aaron.